Monday

My weight check was okay, as I mention in the end of my previous post, but at the snack time, everything had to turn into shit again. I just cannot deal with my emotions and it is getting harder and harder. Why won't it be easier for me? Everyone else seem to do better. Everyone else seem to be able to beat their illness.

I hoped I get to talk to my doctor today, considering I didn't see her last week. This did not happen.

I am just a pile of sadness today emotionally. It is just so difficult. I am angry. I am not afraid at the moment, the most potent feeling is just anger and irritation and it doesn't leave me alone, no matter what I try to do to shift my focus. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know.

Finally things were so bad again that I had to take some calming medication and talk to one of the nurses for a long time. I am always surprised that this stuff really makes me calm down and stop crying. It seemed impossible.

Tuesday

I am not allowed outside but I have gone to a few walks in a wheelchair. At least I get some fresh air. I am still waiting to see if I can talk to the doctor, so I could ask if I could go to the store with my relative; I want to get different snacks and such. I also want to try and have a snack outside, I have only done it twice with my mum and this is not enough. I want to face this difficulty.

At least I got to talk to my psychologist today. This kind of boosted my motivation. But at the same time I can't see that things are getting better. Everyone keep telling me that as my BMI is getting higher, I can shift my thinking and it will get easier. I don't buy it. I just don't have any proof that it will happen.

Wednesday

I am starting to feel anxious about tomorrow's weigh in. At the same time I was just talking to my doctor and she said that if I am not gaining, then she needs to change my meal plan, which would be difficult for me as I am not eating meat.

The next level would be normal food, then PR and PR 2. PR means protein rich food and PR 2 means re-feeding, also high in protein (and highest in calories). She said we would have to combine something.

Ideally the weight gain should be a kilo or a bit over it per week, even though at the same time she said that it cannot be set in stone and sometimes the gain is bigger, sometimes smaller.

I kind of hope that my weight has gone up a little, but at the same time I am scared that it is "too much". I also said that it would be easier for me to see my weight every day; then I could get used to the smaller changes. The rapid weight change in number is what ticks me off. Of course this won't be done as this is just one aspect of healing that needs to be tracked, there is also blood tests, blood pressure and so on. Which is sometimes even more important.

I hope I can go out with my relative today and maybe have a snack with her as well. The doctor agreed, which means I have to hope that my friend can come over today. Also my doctor suggested that both of my parents came to the hospital to have a family talk. I feel like this idea is absurd, due to some personal reasons, but we will see. Told my mum about it.

Going out with my relative really helped to make me feel better. Today was, well, a shitty day. But during these few hours I didn't even think about food, I managed to be in the moment and just talk! This was a huge thing for me, I could cry. I haven't been able to relax like this for a loooong time.

Now I am back at the hospital and thinking about tomorrow again. I don't know, everything is just mixed up in my head and wrong. So I am super grateful about going out tonight. We will see tomorrow morning how things are going.

Thursday

Of course I had gained too much. 700 grams. So now I am over 40 kgs, 40,2 more precisely. Which is not too bad, but really bad in my illness' mind. I have been at the hospital a little over 3 weeks, and I have gained 4 kgs exactly. It feels stupid that if the gain had been 500 grams, then that would have been okay in my head. This is idiotic. Why can't I just accept it? It needed to be gained at one point, why not today?

It is just weird that by Monday I hadn't gain anything, and then suddenly so much in a few days.

I cannot even look at myself without being disgusted. I feel awful both mentally and physically. I cannot get rid of these emotions.